Today is another day in the Garden of Eden *grins stupidly like a Cheshire Cat*.
We are in the transition between two years and weirdly I feel shy! Of all the emotions to feel on 31st December 2014 I choose this one! It is like I am being exposed as one year ends and another has begun. Essentially we are already in 2015 as the first places on Earth have celebrated to start of the New Year. In being between the two years I can’t even begin to describe how sensitive I feel.
I am trying to stay on track with being honest about what this feels like yet it is well hidden in the depths of my internal dialogue. I am filled with the bullshit of all the lets call it ‘spiritual’ teachings I have read along the way so much so that I can regurgitate it at will!!
The thing is what I am really saying is that I don’t really know the British language well enough to articulate how I feel most of the time. There are some amazing words which are pertinent to many of the feelings I have yet I don’t know them so I end up spewing out airy fairy crap I don’t really relate to or even feel a connection with. When I fraudulently say them I feel like I should be sitting on top of the Christmas tree next to the fairy dolloping out glitter!
I desire to reconnect with me because there is something gritty and real about me. This aspect of me is honest and full of character and truth be told I would really love to hang out with this kind of person, but I am scared…. scared of my own shadow so this person stays deep within me just in case she fucks up! I yearn for the platform to showcase but the lights are bright and it requires a strength to just stand there in front of my audience. Sure I will kick into gear but it isn’t always as instant as I need. Instead I am left in the gap which is vulnerable and heart breaking because it is filled with comparison and crippling self talk and doubt.
Sitting here on the sofa because I was too cold in the kitchen getting almost annoyed at what I am doing. I don’t want to share this with you because it leaves me open to judgement and criticism. Surely the purpose of writing is pure self expression without me worrying about what others will think but I do care! I REALLY care what others think of me. I could put it down to being a social animal but the reality of that statement is I just don’t buy the intellectual version. That crap doesn’t sit with me…. What sits with me is the emotion and how I feel. The feeling of not being received well feels like I am being twisted up inside and dropped backwards off a great height with no concept of the bottom. It is utterly terrifying. I can completely understand why social media causes people to go to depression and even suicide! We all want to be liked, loved even!
For me I want lots of like minded readers to understand and ‘get me’ but the fear which contorts me internally screams “Fuck That” because I am exposing the real me (and anybody who knows me will know that I hide in broad daylight if I can)
Let me give you an example If I blog about things I like for example I leave myself wide open to criticism from others including those who may be bigger or better at whatever it is that I pour my heart and soul into and that is painful! My God that tips out some of my real internal issues around not feeling good enough even when I am doing my best at something. There’s a pain right there I would happily step around and pretend it isn’t happening. *whistles*
Before any of these social rules were placed into my stratosphere I would have to wonder what I would be like and how I would live life. Would I be so fearful of words and run from my emotions like Usain Bolt in a 100m sprint final.
Ah we can all laugh at the complexity that is me and you and all of us together but in all seriousness how much of life do I miss out on that I would really like to have a go at?
Perhaps I should be bold and brave….. Pah what a loaf of utter rubbish, getting out of the house for me some days reminds me of stepping onto the Gaza Strip (I am not massively fond of the area I live but really it isn’t that bad!) when walking to the shop all I see is a sea of grey faces with lines etched so deeply into skin which has been aged by suffering and cigarettes!! It’s just downright depressing yet a part of me sees the humility in this because it’s all so real. Sometimes a little too real for me bearing in mind that I am braced for what could be the immanent death of my Mother from aggressive lung and liver cancer.
Maybe all this is just the letting go of the past year it is hard to say and potentially something I won’t know until a small while in the future. After yesterdays blog post which was so upbeat and amusing I find it hard wading around in this kind of muddy crap again with a full blown headache. And then there are times I wonder if I am bipolar….. The thing is, you just never know…but also does it REALLY MATTER?
Brain maxed out on thinking and writing!
Have fun over this period of transition between years!
Much Love in these insanely sensitive and crazy times 😀