Truth Be Bold For I am Shy

Today is another day in the Garden of Eden *grins stupidly like a Cheshire Cat*.

We are in the transition between two years and weirdly I feel shy! Of all the emotions to feel on 31st December 2014 I choose this one! It is like I am being exposed as one year ends and another has begun. Essentially we are already in 2015 as the first places on Earth have celebrated to start of the New Year. In being between the two years I can’t even begin to describe how sensitive I feel.

I am trying to stay on track with being honest about what this feels like yet it is well hidden in the depths of my internal dialogue. I am filled with the bullshit of all the lets call it ‘spiritual’ teachings I have read along the way so much so that I can regurgitate it at will!!

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The thing is what I am really saying is that I don’t really know the British language well enough to articulate how I feel most of the time. There are some amazing words which are pertinent to many of the feelings I have yet I don’t know them so I end up spewing out airy fairy crap I don’t really relate to or even feel a connection with. When I fraudulently say them I feel like I should be sitting on top of the Christmas tree next to the fairy dolloping out glitter!

I desire to reconnect with me because there is something gritty and real about me. This aspect of me is honest and full of character and truth be told I would really love to hang out with this kind of person, but I am scared…. scared of my own shadow so this person stays deep within me just in case she fucks up! I yearn for the platform to showcase but the lights are bright and it requires a strength to just stand there in front of my audience. Sure I will kick into gear but it isn’t always as instant as I need. Instead I am left in the gap which is vulnerable and heart breaking because it is filled with comparison and crippling self talk and doubt.

Sitting here on the sofa because I was too cold in the kitchen getting almost annoyed at what I am doing. I don’t want to share this with you because it leaves me open to judgement and criticism. Surely the purpose of writing is pure self expression without me worrying about what others will think but I do care! I REALLY care what others think of me. I could put it down to being a social animal but the reality of that statement is I just don’t buy the intellectual version. That crap doesn’t sit with me…. What sits with me is the emotion and how I feel. The feeling of not being received well feels like I am being twisted up inside and dropped backwards off a great height with no concept of the bottom. It is utterly terrifying. I can completely understand why social media causes people to go to depression and even suicide! We all want to be liked, loved even!

For me I want lots of like minded readers to understand and ‘get me’ but the fear which contorts me internally screams “Fuck That” because I am exposing the real me (and anybody who knows me will know that I hide in broad daylight if I can)

Let me give you an example If I blog about things I like for example I leave myself wide open to criticism from others including those who may be bigger or better at whatever it is that I pour my heart and soul into and that is painful! My God that tips out some of my real internal issues around not feeling good enough even when I am doing my best at something. There’s a pain right there I would happily step around and pretend it isn’t happening. *whistles*

Before any of these social rules were placed into my stratosphere I would have to wonder what I would be like and how I would live life. Would I be so fearful of words and run from my emotions like Usain Bolt in a 100m sprint final.

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Ah we can all laugh at the complexity that is me and you and all of us together but in all seriousness how much of life do I miss out on that I would really like to have a go at?

Perhaps I should be bold and brave….. Pah what a loaf of utter rubbish, getting out of the house for me some days reminds me of stepping onto the Gaza Strip (I am not massively fond of the area I live but really it isn’t that bad!) when walking to the shop all I see is a sea of grey faces with lines etched so deeply into skin which has been aged by suffering and cigarettes!! It’s just downright depressing yet a part of me sees the humility in this because it’s all so real. Sometimes a little too real for me bearing in mind that I am braced for what could be the immanent death of my Mother from aggressive lung and liver cancer.

Maybe all this is just the letting go of the past year it is hard to say and potentially something I won’t know until a small while in the future. After yesterdays blog post which was so upbeat and amusing I find it hard wading around in this kind of muddy crap again with a full blown headache. And then there are times I wonder if I am bipolar….. The thing is, you just never know…but also does it REALLY MATTER?

Brain maxed out on thinking and writing!

Have fun over this period of transition between years!

Much Love in these insanely sensitive and crazy times 😀

Georgie xxx

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Let’s write and be fucking inspired!

So here I am sat on my sofa headphones in scouring Spotify for what someone else claims to be an ‘inspiring playlist’ so here it is unedited and raw from me!

Well what a fucking year it has been! Up and down and inside out over and under and all around again… leaving me breathless and bruised on the floor more than once! Still I am stood up like a daft puppy waiting for what’s around the corner and that’s the way I like my life!

I met death this year and then scourged around it with a mother who defies life and death like the Grim Reaper himself. She is absolutely mental and I love her for it. We have come full circle on the love/hate vibe. I just think she is ace and whatever the hell her spirit kicks ass! No wonder I am like a small deadly force to be reckoned with coming from that bloodline! Not only has she defied the Drs for a 2nd time! (First time round was a horrible back injury which ‘they said’ would leave her in a wheelchair – Like hell was she going into a wheelchair) she was given a cancer diagnosis and 6 months tops to live! Her cancer is aggressive and hostile (hmmmm not far off her personality at times!) yet she has stood her ground and 1 year on is still thriving….. MENTAL!

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I moved up to the not so sunny North West last December and have had a love hate relationship with it ever since! Some days I look around with compassion and love and then others I am judgemental and callous! It’s a real ride that some days leave me not wanting to step outside the front door instead peering out of the window and pull right into what I can only describe as (I actually can’t think of the words) I just have a feeling in my belly so let’s stay with that! There are other days I want to run out of the door screaming how bloody awesome I think life is…. then I remember abruptly where I am.

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Just to add as you aren’t here listening this playlist is inspiring! It has been saved with the other feeling based playlists which are assisting me expand my own self and *yawns at the boringness of this word* ‘consciousness’.

Now then, let’s get some order into this writing or at least bring some sort of efficacy to what I am wanting to say. Hands behind my head looking around the room for that moment of inspiration to rush in again where I know what I am trying to say. I just smile at myself and the utter ridiculousness of it…. But it’s life and I love this side of it. Not like I don’t spend a long time at the other end of the scale so here’s so me enjoying the process and not really giving too much of a shit about what comes from the end of my fingers onto the page. After all writing is just an element of the journey and isn’t it about me translating how I feel in a way that you can understand and relate to?

OOOoooooo here comes the wave again, I am literally waiting for each wave of what I shall call inspiration to arrive within me so that I can jump on and see where it is going to take me….. The window to jump on is relatively small but at least I have stopped chasing the missed waves!! DICKHEAD

I kept trying to jump onto feelings which had almost expired thinking OH MY GOD I have missed out on something really FUCKING big here! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN….. QUICK I can surely get back onto it or better still pause, rewind and PLAY!! NOOOOoooooo you nutter!! There is no lack in this universe and the opportunity always comes round again. In a universe which is not only cyclic everything is apparently moving like a wave….. *pull my face at myself*

Listen, this time next year will be a very different story and THAT’s EXCITING!!!! Who knows what the journey looks like but frankly I don’t care right now because it isn’t like it is something I can control and no doubt at points I will be so high and maybe even low to get where I need to be but surely that’s the point! In looking back you can get a true picture of what the journey looked like to get me where I am right now….. It’s exciting because right now I am inspired and see everything through this place of inspiration. I like it!! I like the fact that I can tap into it whenever I feel like it. It is fun!! My life in the last 12 months hasn’t always been fun so I am largely living it and sucking it in to EVERY little cell in my body……… Nothing tastes as good as feeling amazing feels.

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From love with me to you, all you crazy people who no doubt share the moments of clarity and insanity sometimes at the same time!!

Georgie

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The Joy of Friendship

I woke this morning feeling strangely peaceful as my eyes opened to the gentle springtime sun. Today is my day off, a day I have given back to me to focus on all the things I haven’t been able to do as a result of my world spinning around me at a speed which sometimes knocks me off my feet. (See my previous post Living on the Edge)

I had a text from my best friend checking that all was well in my world and it allowed me an opportunity to feel the deepest sense of gratitude for her. Tears pricked to my eyes as I thought about all the times we had been there for one another in the relatively short space of time. We get one another and nothing I say to her seems any weirder than a general conversation about the weather. Having the joy of this friendship has allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible through the basis of trust, understanding and love. This friendship has taught me what I desire in human relationships all across my life and because I know what I both want and need my world has opened up and brought it to me.

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Her new business card sits before me with a simple yet devastatingly beautiful message “love me. till I’m myself again.” the words echo around my skull etching out all those times waiting in the shadows of my past which need loving. True friendship is the art of being available for someone no matter what life throws at them allowing them the space to grow, cry or whatever form their emotions need to take without offering judgement. It is about having safe boundaries to say when things become too much and offering a mirror rather than advice to see them through their own dark times. It is about loving without prejudice.

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Friendship to me is one of the most valuable relationships life has to offer and I am absolutely blessed with the friends I have.

This is a post to all of my closest people you know who you are. I am lucky to know you and thank you for every time you think of me and let me know I am in your thoughts.

With love

Georgie xxx

 

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Living on the Edge

“Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy.”  – Rumi

“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.”  Rumi

I wanted to share these two quotes by Rumi as the start of my blog, it has been a while since I have placed my fingers upon the keys and written to both myself and you as readers and in this time I feel I have been stripped back to a place of almost nothing and rebuilt on new foundations.

Kate Moss, No.12, Gloucestershire, 2010

It would seem there is nothing more valuable than the time you allow yourself to learn and grow from experiences without the interference of others who are not able to walk in your shoes either with you or for you. The insights gained from walking your own path almost silently at some points will find you perspectives you never knew existed.

There have been some life changing events happening in my world in the last 6 months which have essentially changed my life forever. I will never be the same person I was and as painful as this has been I am deeply grateful because I have been allowed the mercy of simplicity. I swore in pain as my layers were stripped back and exposed and I became grateful for every part of my pain I was now able to see. I was living my life on the edge fluctuating between dark despair and humble gratitude. Finally I am alive!

My mother is dying from a ravaging disease and I like the rest of the family have to stand by and respectfully watch it happen. Nothing prepares you for the rawness of a parent dying and the intimacy created within a family who previously shared little or no intimacy. In everything bad something beautiful and new emerges. The cycle of life is like living on the edge of a knife blade balanced precisely and gracefully knowing that this can alter at any given moment. As an emotion for me this is both terrifying and exciting.

In every moment of pain and suffering there is pure joy and happiness as the equal and opposite experience. Maybe I am lucky because I am searching for both and have the ability to see two sides of the coin and then maybe I am not so lucky because I cannot hide from reality anymore.

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There is a physical aspect to all of this because after all I am a human being and I do not run solely on emotions. My body has changed in this last 6 months where I haven’t trained in the gym regularly for three months, this has meant I have put on weight and no longer fit into many of my clothes. To me as a person this is soul destroying because as a woman I fall prisoner to my interpretation of how a woman should look. This is however a blog post in itself but something I had wanted to touch upon as part of my journey. It is like I am being forced to look at myself from a different perspective on every level. My honesty around my relationship with myself, with food, my family, my addictions have been cast into an emotional wilderness I have never seen. My demons appear on every corner almost relentlessly stripping me back further. At times all I can do is stand in anticipation of the final outcome of this peeling process knowing that from every shadow I can shine some light, then the darkness shall fall away revealing a Truth I would never begin to envisage. In those darkest hours my head will drop down and my teeth become gritted as I bear the storm around me with a silent knowing that it will pass and the sun will shine once again.

How have I dealt with this change?

  1. Given myself time and space to deal with every new situation which has arisen.
  2. Allowed myself to feel each and every emotion with patience and love. (We are all kind to people who are grieving so I allowed myself the same space)
  3. Focused on what I can do right now to rebuild momentum in the direction I want to travel in. (Going to the gym again regularly instead of beating myself up for overeating)
  4. Set smaller and easier goals.
  5. Learnt to be less hard on myself by looking at the bigger picture on why I may not have achieved something.
  6. Realised in stripping back that a lot of me is tied up in change right now and honouring that process.

I wanted to share this process with you as it has been going ono because I am actually in a better place emotionally mid way through all of this than I perhaps ever been. This is because I now really appreciate the good times and have stopped wishing my life away. My Mum has such a short time left that it has really changed my perspective on life and living in the now. I can’t say I am always in the now but I am certainly aware when I am not and find it easier to balance out my life.

With love to all of you especially those who are really suffering right now.

Georgie xxx

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The Exquisite Art of Trust

Trust is a big thing and sits right up there with the most important attributes that any relationship dynamic should hold. I hear it over and over again that once trust is broken it cannot be repaired etc etc.

What is trust?

For me it is the allowing of self to feel completely safe and vulnerable with another person. Trust is a feeling of safety to allow the real you through and be completely accepted for who you are at your best and your worst.

What does trust mean to you? What does it look like? How does it feel…… ?

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On my journey into myself I have spent some time in reflection on trust and more importantly my lack of trust for myself. I have often farmed out the blame for someone acting in a way which I believed caused me to stop trusting them. Perhaps they lied or performed some other act which I deemed worthy of ceasing the bond of trust between us. As someone who understands that the people around us are a mirror of what resides within it soon came into my awareness that I had a severe lack of trust for myself. I was in fact the one lying, cheating myself, stealing and a whole host of other trust issues. It was as if I had learnt from a young age I was not to be trusted for some reason (which never sat right with me may I add) however I never found out what the reason for this lack of trust was. Did I trust myself in making the right decisions in my life? Do I trust that I can stand in my own power without someone else propping me up? How have I been lying and cheating myself? The answers to these questions came from deep inside me as I began to own up to my own believed inadequacies. I realised I had put myself into relationships which didn’t feel right to me and lied to myself to create a fantasy life (as many of us do) and until I shone the light on the distrust I had with myself I wasn’t going to be able to change.

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I gave myself some time to look at the distrust I had for myself as this was the gateway to the Truth I was hiding away. How could I ever trust another human being from a pure place of Truth if I wasn’t able to give the same to myself?

The path I wish to undertake in this learning is that in trusting myself fully there will be no need for the almost approval I desire of others trusting me and me them. It would be from my own trust sitting in my own power which would enable the safe feeling I desire. Once that vibration exists within my field as an absolute there would be no need for trust issues to be part of my experience anymore.

Upon Self Reflection 

Trusting myself means creating a safe space from which to operate. This safe space has boundaries and noticing when I am beginning to shut down. I must trust myself to keep myself safe and honour the warning system I have from within. It means keeping myself intact and dealing with my emotions from a place of love and transparency. Trust means to be gentle with each aspect of myself which shows up to be resolved. Trust means not giving myself away and expecting someone to do my stuff for me. Trust means giving myself the time and space I need without the influence of other people and their opinions. Trust is following my inner voice and maintaining my integrity in doing so without the need for any kind of violent expression of this be that thoughts, words or deeds. Trust is an expression of self love and expansion into the Universe around us. When we trust we are in the flow of life. Anything other than trust is resistance and denial of life.

So what does trust look like to you? Does it feel safe? Enjoy searching for your Truth around trust….. It’s a really insightful process x

With love and fun

G x

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What is the point of being in flow rather than resistance?

Hello bloggers,

This morning I woke up feeling I was in perfect harmony with the Universe and although I am more than aware this is a temporary feeling due to the nature of life I know that inside me I want to create more of it.

As you are probably starting to know by now if you read my blogs I am all about questions and more importantly good quality self questioning.

My question to myself was firstly ‘how am I doing this’ and more importantly ‘how can I maintain this?’

I pick up huge amounts of emotion and energy from other people and often carry it around with me in my day which worries me as I am aware this affects my moods and therefore my response to both myself and other people around me. (Not cool!)

I contemplated the idea that I am potentially emotionally self harming in bringing the reality of others into my personal story. Do I really want to maintain a safe space around me or do I need to cause myself pain in trying to fix or help other people when I have my own life challenges? Is there a constant need for me to bring in such contrast? How does this act out on a Universal level. Does energy flow continually with no resistance? The questions I ask myself are on a fairly big picture level because when we are stuck in pain our thinking can become very focused. I know to get the answers I seek I need to step out of this modality.

I think of a river flowing within the context of a single drop of water. As the water flows downstream towards the sea there are a variety of currents throughout the flow there may be rocks on the bed of the river which will cause the change in direction and speed of each unit of water. So is this resistance? How does water deal with this type of resistance?

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It would seem that life must slow down to allow us the chance to learn and grasp the lessons in life. Does life ever actually stop? I believe that we slow down to the pace we require to learn the lessons however are we able to completely stop? I think of the metaphor of a hosepipe and yes the flow of water can be stopped which causes a back up of water until it is released elsewhere. What does this mean to a human if we are energetic beings and we are essentially doing the same?

It would seem more and more obvious to me that our thoughts are our reality and we leave them unchecked to run wild, coupled with the experience of feeling or knowing someone else’s reality we burden ourselves further. There is huge insight in taking on board your own ‘stuff’ and working through it and watching others being able to do the same because you are out of their way and empowering them to find out for themselves what their individual lessons are. It is my belief you cannot teach other people lessons without you truly understanding and learning them for yourself and within that learning you begin to realise that others are allowed into their own place of power to learn their lessons for themselves without the smoke and mirror effect you are giving to them in not owning your own lessons.

As an extra point it would appear that in being stuck in the reality of others you are in fact distracting yourself from your true purpose in this life which is to live the life you are here to live. There is a vast difference in sharing a space with someone who is prepared to do the work required to grow and just needs a bit of extra help than someone who wishes to dump everything going on in their life at your feet and that you must do all of the work for them. How is the person ever going to get to where they need to be without empowering themselves in the knowledge that they can do it for them?

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There is a fine line between helping someone to get back on track and going around in circles allowing both yourself and the other party to stay stuck. If you are starting to feel stuck in a situation and it isn’t going anywhere I would say take note of this feeling and start to move yourself into a direction that you are able to breathe by yourself again. This in itself will shift a huge amount of resistance for both you and the other party to begin moving again. Whilst it is true that many people do not want to move it is well within your remit to take a step back and allow them to engage elsewhere for you to stand in your power and full flow of who you are as a human being.

How to Maintain your Flow

  1. Check in on a regular basis to how you are feeling? Ask yourself “Do I feel in flow or resistance?” and notice the answer.
  2. If you are feeling resistance ask yourself “What is this resistance?” again notice the answer.
  3. How can you change this feeling of resistance if you don’t know just ask yourself. Your inner guidance system has all these answers for you.
  4. Act on the advice your inner guidance system gives you.

And finally…….. Welcome to ‘YOUR’ life! Own it, embrace it and live it! 😀

With love and playfulness

G x

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Shift the Belief

So you want to do something with your life, examine your deepest reasons as to why you feel the need to do this thing and if it is based in a fear based perspective wouldn’t it make more sense to shift the belief first….. Then re-examine your desire

Ah ha moment…. Thank you friends and mirrors Georgina Yalias-Evans

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